Chris and Lee have been friends since fourth grade. They hung out together throughout high school, sharing secrets,
playing in the high school band togeth- er, and often staying at each other’s homes. In college, they roomed together
and continued to depend on each other for support and companionship. During their junior year, Chris began to
develop a significant romantic relationship with Jan. Chris often sought Lee’s advice as the romantic relationship
developed. Chris, Lee, and Jan often hung out together, and Lee became good friends with Jan. After graduation,
Chris and Jan got married, with Lee providing support and assistance to both.
T
his scenario provides a very brief introduction to several types of relation- ships—same-sex best
friendships, romantic relationships, and opposite-sex friendships. Underlying the scenario are some
subtle but significant ques- tions: Why did Chris feel the need to develop a romantic relationship? Why
wasn’t the relationship with Lee sufficient to meet Chris’s needs for companionship and love? What
needs are met by romantic relationships that are not satisfied through friendship?
Both friendship and romance are relationships of choice; for the most part, we can opt out of them
whenever we want. When we begin each relationship, we do not know how intimate it will become—
although, as mentioned in Chapter 9, we probably try to predict the likelihood of an intimate and
satisfying relationship. Both friendships and romantic relationships can lead to intimate, loving, and
lasting relationships.
Intimacy comes in two forms: friendship-based intimacy, based on feelings of warmth, understanding,
and emotional connection, and passion-based intimacy, based on romantic and sexual feelings.1
Friendship and romance differ in that friendships develop solely from friendship-based intimacy,
whereas romantic rela- tionships involve both friendship-based and passion-based intimacy. Chris’s relationship with Lee evolved from friendship-based intimacy, whereas the relationship between Chris and
Jan reflected both types of intimacy.