PERSUASIVE EMAIL 4
No cover pages needed with the exception of Module 3s assessment
Persuasive Email
Marina Perez
Purdue Global University
September 23, 2021
Provide all four email/memo fields
Business documents are single spaced, double space between paragraphs. Paragraphs are not indented. Keep paragraphs short and focused.
Dear Mr. Thomas B. Edsall
I am a huge fan of your weekly column on the New York Times. I have subscribed to my mail updates to get a chance to read your articles. Your topics are interesting and insightful at the same time. Well, two days ago, I bumped into your paper, Its Become Increasingly Hard for Them to Feel Good About Themselves, and I was stuck on this new trend of events of men no longer fitting into the social order. Comment by Catherine Flynn: The correct preposition is in Comment by Catherine Flynn: Italicize the names of all publications Comment by Catherine Flynn: Odd phrasing. Not clear what you mean. Comment by Catherine Flynn: Too colloquial and informal. Comment by Catherine Flynn: paper isnt the right descriptor for Edsalls work Comment by Catherine Flynn: Just double quote Comment by Catherine Flynn: Not sure what you mean by stuck? How were you stuck?
A while ago, I saw the whole issue as a change geared towards achieving gender equality but alas! I failed to see another worrying trend where men slowly underperformed compared to ladies instead of seeing growth in both genders. Do not get me wrong; I fully support gender equality and hope my future daughter will find a fairground to compete for life opportunities. However, I am worried for my future son and all boys out there. I concur with you that men increasingly feel less good about themselves (Thomas B, 2021). I dont know how to treat this trajectory, but I am confident it is not a good sign. I am also getting concerned about the boy childs future because the future seems to be female, judging by the current statistics. We are lightyears away from any future promise being female-leaning. Ours is a heavily patriarchal world and unlikely to change much in the coming years. As much as I wouldnt have a problem with that, I am worried why both genders are not equally winning on all the grounds. Judging by your reference of David Autors data about more females graduating in high school, I agree that it doesnt look suitable for men; something must be wrong, or someone is not doing things right. Comment by Catherine Flynn: What whole issue? Its not clear what you are referencing Comment by Catherine Flynn: Be cautious of gender bias. Why do you refer to males as men but females as ladies? Be consistent men and women Comment by Catherine Flynn: This sounds like you are referencing fairgrounds within a community! You meant fair ground. Two words, no article Comment by Catherine Flynn: Again, be cautious of using language that sends an unintentional meaning. Use males or men boys suggests only young men or immature ones. Comment by Catherine Flynn: This is an incorrect in-text citation. Review APA pages 261-269. APA has specific requirements for punctuation and content using in-text citations. Comment by Catherine Flynn: Avoid contractions in formal, academic, and business writing. They are viewed as informal. Comment by Catherine Flynn: It seems wondering would be a more appropriate word choice
However, I beg to differ because your references claim to be the reason behind this trend. For example, your article points to single parenthood as why men are becoming less productive compared to ladies. First of all, I believe that broken families and single-parenthood affect both boys and girls, and I agree that boys in such families are marred with cases of indiscipline. However, I do not believe the trend we are witnessing is significantly caused by single-parenthood and divorces. According to Thomas Leopold (2018), boys are more affected by short-term consequences of divorce or separation in their families but adapt faster after such events. I understand that children from broken families tend to struggle in every aspect, such as school and the job market; even Sawhill (2014) tends to believe the same. I know that children in two-parent families tend to better and stand more opportunities in life. I think approaching this issue from that angle proves that most people are not in touch with this situation more significantly.
Todays real problem is that boys and men are unwilling to work hard even when offered support from both parents. What are you basing this observation on? A class of men seem too relaxed and not in a hurry to achieve anything in life again, what are you basing this on?. We are witnessing men who want to be stay-at-home dads and are comfortable with that. This situation is the reason why the future seems to be female. In my opinion, I believe that much of your sources had missed the big picture in this issue. The piece was excellent and has motivated me to give this issue a deeper eye. Keep up the superb work. You inspire me. Thank you so much. Comment by Catherine Flynn: Typically, writers avoid first person “I” or “my” in academic and business writing unless they are specifically referencing their own activities and responsibilities. Using “I” in phrases like “I believe that” or “I think that” or “in my opinion” is unnecessary and takes up valuable real estate in your writing. It is your paper and therefore a given the ideas and beliefs are yours, and if they are not, you need to cite your source. Comment by Catherine Flynn: Not a clear passage Comment by Catherine Flynn: Which one? You just referenced the authors sources, so its not clear which piece you are writing about here. Comment by Catherine Flynn: Odd phrasing. What does a deeper eye mean?
Yours sincerely,
Marina Perez
References put in bold face
Leopold T. (2018). Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes. APA presents article titles on the reference page in sentence format with first word capitalized and remaining words in lower case unless the title includes a proper noun or has a colon. If there is a colon, capitalize the first word following the colon. Here is an excellent guide to APA from Purdue’s OWL – APA Reference Demography, 55(3), 769797. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6 Comment by Catherine Flynn: Italicize names of journals and the journal volume number
Sawhill, I. V. (2016, July 28). Are children raised with absent fathers worse off? Brookings. https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/are-children-raised-with-absent-fathers-worse-off/
Thomas B. (2021, September 22). Its become increasingly hard for them to feel good about themselves. The New York Times. – Breaking News, US News, World News and Videos. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/22/opinion/economy-education-women-men.html No quotes around the article title. Italicize the name of the publication
Hi Marina. You have selected an interesting article and you have a good start on the assessment. Please let me know if you have any questions about the comments or suggestions I have made in your paper.
Once you have revised your submission, please save it as a clean document with comments, corrections, and inserts removed. It is easier to evaluate the submission without all the documentation in place. If I need to review your previous submission, I can refer to my saved documents. Thanks!
As you work on your revision, remember not all areas needing editing and correction have been marked. I provide feedback on patterns of errors and students are then responsible for locating all occurrences of those errors. If you have misplaced punctuation or wrong in-text citations, only one or two occurrences are highlighted with the task of finding and correcting remaining errors being up to the student.
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